Meaningful Meme: Your “Bullied Then, Successful Now” Stories
Saturday, 10 May 2008 Clay Burell 
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I received this comment recently on my podcast post, “My Suicidal High School Years: A Happy Ending Bullying Story.” The comment is from a teen named Jack, who is experiencing now what I experienced 30 years ago. I’m sharing it because it’s evidence that the meme I’m about to propose – voluntary, as usual – could have more social value than the bevy of “Stop Bullying!” messages we most often see in response to this ugly subject. Here’s Jack:
Clay,
I googled bullying stories because I wanted something to help me through troubles that I am currently facing in ninth grade. “Stop bullying!” sites really didn’t help me. This was just the kind of story I was looking for. I get called names feverishly because I didn’t make the best impression first semester. I try not to care what other people think of me but it feels like I am always watching my back.
Anyways, this story was very interesting indeed. Thanks a lot for sharing. It helped substantially. [Emphasis added.]
I’ve already thanked Jack, but I want to thank him again. He confirms that for him, at least, “Stop Bullying” messages may be nice and all, but they don’t do much to comfort those trying to cope with being bullied.
I’m not saying anti-anything messages have no positive value. I’m just saying they often fail to help the victims of the thing being opposed. Telling bullies not to bully may be worth the effort, though it’s apparently predicated on the dubious belief that it’s effective to appeal to the compassionate side of bullies, who in my experience have almost always been a pretty heartless bunch. Bullies enjoy psycho-social benefits from bullying – profits, in a sense – in the same way arms dealers do from selling weapons. Appeals to delicate instincts require delicate audiences, and delicacy is a thing usually absent from these hardened types.
But as Jack testifies, just hearing Bullied Success Stories – that survival is worth it and life gets better? That’s a speech-act worth performing.
So the Meme: Share Your “Bullied Then, Successful Now” Stories
I did it in my podcast, a 30 minute story – literally, a story – of my experience of three years of bullying in high school. It’s actually just an mp3 of the class session in which I told the story to my students (there was bullying going on in that grade). I just fired up GarageBand and recorded it as I shared it with my class.
That’s one way to do it. Other ways:
- a blog post
- a webcam video
- a Skypecast
- a Comic Life or photo-essay
- a VoiceThread
- [your idea here]
If none of those work for you, but you have a story to tell, you can also leave a comment or drop me an email volunteering for a Skype conference call, where we can take more of a group story-telling session. I can do the editing and turn it into a podcast.
I hope this makes sense to you. It does to me. Jack’s comment strengthened my belief that, short of somehow stopping bullying – and come on, it’s been with us as long as war – one of the most helpful things we can do is offer ourselves, and our stories, as living proof that the nightmare can be survived, and this dream called life can become sweeter as it moves into adulthood.
I often throw dreamy ideas like this out on this blog, and they land with a thud. This one seems a likely candidate as the latest in that series. But I hope not. My bullying podcast gets a surprising number of visits from people googling “real life bullying stories” and such, and it gets downloaded quite a bit too.
So there is a need.
And instead of putting more energy into “stop bullying” sermons (which I’m not saying we should stop), we can maybe devote it to stories of hope.
I know it’s a busy time, so if you can only get around to it later – this summer, even – that’s fine. Just link here whenever it’s done. If we get enough of these, we can make a permanent site for them on a wiki, or even a dedicated blog.
And by the way: this offer is open to any students out there with anything to say as well. I’d love to host a Skype conference call about this topic.
Photo: Locker by Steven Fernandez
- My Suicidal High School Years: A Happy-Ending Bullying Story
- Another Student Voice: "This is Why Writers Like to Write Stories"–A Wiki Makes a Writer
- On the Meaningful, and Quantum Contexts
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No. 1 — May 10th, 2008 at 2:14 am
I came across this blog today, and if you click on the “my story” link, about his experiences growing up….I think it might fit the bill.
This is an absolutely fantastic meme.
orenetas last blog post..Oreneta aground
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No. 2 — May 10th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Clay,
I will be writing my own bully story on my blog.
I will link to you when I post it. Having gone through it as well, it makes me a defender of the victim, be it student, teacher, or fellow member of our PLN. I am highly sensitive to the earmarks of bully behavior. It makes me outrageously angry that people still “give this behavior a pass”.
Lindas last blog post..Saint Cyberus, Patron Saint of the Internet
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No. 3 — May 10th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Thanks both. @Oreneta, there’s no link in your comment to the site you referenced. One more time?
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No. 4 — May 10th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Clay,
I heard your story a few weeks ago, and though I was moved, it wasn’t until I read today’s post that I felt compelled to act. Your story brought back memories for me that frankly, I’d rather have let lie dormant. I agree that stories of survival can be empowering, and look forward to sharing some thoughts and personal experiences in an upcoming podcast. I’ll be sure to link back to this post where I suspect your meme will find plenty of company…
Rodd Luciers last blog post..Fore Great Things about Golf!
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No. 5 — May 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
[...] there is an audience for the stories that we all have hidden. He has asked for us to create a thoughtful meme of our tales. We have them, many of us, in our past. They are there still like a scar from [...]
No. 6 — May 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I wrote about how I was bullied by an elementary school teacher adn then a gang when I was in Jr. High in my my personal blog: http://loonyhiker.blogspot.com/2008/03/school-revisited.html
I believe this is what inspired me to become a teacher because I know what to look for and can understand how students feel when bullied. Thanks for bringing this out in the open because I think many educators have their own story to tell.
Pat Hensleys last blog post..Useful Information In and Out of the Classroom 05/09/08
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No. 7 — May 10th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I do that ALL the time…sorry, let me get the link…
here it is…
http://jason-thejasonshow.blogspot.com/
I have linked to your site and also asked people to send in stories, hopefully some folks will.
orenetas last blog post..A lifted post
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No. 8 — May 11th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Clay,
As always, thanks for getting me to reflect and respond.
http://tinyurl.com/5wbuqw
diane
dianes last blog post..A Meaningful Meme: Bullying
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No. 9 — May 11th, 2008 at 3:51 am
[...] bullying success story. Through the usual maze of the Internet, I wound up at a post on the Beyond School blog in which Clay Burell proposes a new internet meme. Not many people read this blog, so [...]
No. 10 — May 11th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Since I’m still in high school, I can’t exactly talk about “successful now” since I’m still in the “bullied then” time…
That being said, I’d be interested to participate in a Skype conversation.
Arthus Ereas last blog post..Review of AJAX and PHP: Building Responsive Web Applications
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No. 11 — May 11th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Clay,
While I haven’t discussed this much as an adult, the comments are very therapeutic.
Lindas last blog post..Bullied then, successful now.
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No. 12 — May 11th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
@Clay
I listened to your podcast again this morning and I agree with most of the commenters that it is a powerful way to help those in a similar situation. My question is what programs or tactics actually work to stop bullying? I’ve been a dean, grade school, and high school principal and I’ve yet to find a program that is completely effective. Any thoughts or any thoughts from your readers on programs that actually work?
Charlie A. Roys last blog post..Grades, grades, and more grades!
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No. 13 — May 11th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
@All: Thanks so much for cooperating.
I want to urge everyone to read the trackback post, “My Bullying Success Story,” on Mild Opinions above.
What I love about that post is the tone. It’s not maudlin or depressing, is very well-written, and reflects on the experience with a dash of humor that speaks volumes about how “over it” we can be after entering the adult world, and enjoying the freedom to find others like us and avoid the idiots we were forced to mix with daily in the 12-year-incarceration called “school.”
@Charlie,
I’m curious to hear feedback on your question too, and welcome input in further comments. At the same time, I think there’s a “bevy” of sites with information about how to stop bullying, and some of them surely give good guidance in that effort.
My focus here is, again (and I see you acknowledge your understanding of this, so it’s not like I’m saying you don’t get it), is: Let’s just give a human face to adults who are so over those rough years by telling our stories to the students who are still in the thick of them. (I keep thinking video would be more effective for this one!)
Thanks again, all.
Clay Burells last blog post..Meaningful Meme: Your “Bullied Then, Successful Now” Stories
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No. 14 — May 11th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
I heard your story.
It’s surprising how many people in this world are just followers….
I hope I am not being a hypocrite.
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No. 15 — May 12th, 2008 at 7:55 am
@All,
Until Ben Bleckley’s trackback propagates, I want to just post a link to his contribution to this project. Charlie, I think you’ll want to probe Bill for more information after reading it (and my comment there).
So here’s the link to Ben’s post.
Thanks for that, Ben. And let me know if you want to try that ftp thing
@Arthus: Amazing. Had no idea. I’ll let you know when that skypecast is being planned.
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No. 16 — May 12th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I don’t have anything major to share from personal experience–I was bullied during my growing up years by some rock-throwing lugs on the walk home from school, but I was a big time tattler, so they moved on after a few days, hurling a “baby can’t take it, gonna tell her mommy” as they left. Yep, I sure was gonna tell. I still remember the shaky, terrified feeling though.
I read an article recently saying that bullying was an addictive behavior, and that bullies literally got a “high” from their actions. In other words, reason or appealing to their “other side” isn’t going to work in stopping them. I firmly believe this.
In my experience with middle school girls, the bullying is subtle and hard to catch or punish. It’s more about what they don’t do rather than what they do (ie–not sitting with someone, not talking to them, not making them one of your IM buddies). I make my classroom open during free times for students to come in and hang out. I give extra credit for decorating a bulletin board, tidying supplies, etc. This gives the girls who aren’t quite ready to hang with the peers yet a safe place to go.
I believe that the difference between a tough experience and a permanently damaging one is having one or two people in the victim’s life to whom they feel connected and whom they know understands them and cares about them.
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No. 17 — May 12th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hHBOMuONSWA&feature=user
thought you might like this. It is from a student of mine. Ties into the whole bullying dilemma and allowing students to be who they want to be not the masks they put on. A little dark for my taste but powerful.
Charlie A. Roys last blog post..Early Exams? To grant or not to grant?
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No. 18 — May 12th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Clay,
Great meme – this is the reason I teach. My story is posted here.
Thanks for posting the trackback, I tried to post this last night, but my computer has a nasty habit of crashing randomly. Thank you Firefox for “Restore Previous Session”
@Charlie: I have very little classroom experience, so please take my thoughts with a very large grain of salt. I believe the best way to deter bullying is through careful classroom community building. Getting everyone to really know each other, I think, makes a big difference. I had a professor in college at Colorado State University, Terry Denniston, who unfortunately doesn’t blog, but might be willing to do a phone call. I also did some professional development at Fort Collins High School, and there’s a science teacher there whose name I don’t remember, but he teaches a joint class of students with special needs and general students where he spends the first month or so on classroom community building. He also, to my knowledge, does not have a blog, but would probably be willing to talk about that kind of stuff. Shoot me an e-mail if you want to talk more and I can try to track down some e-mail addresses or phone numbers. Or maybe you’ve tried this and it doesn’t quite do the trick – either way, I would be interested in your insights. benbleckley at gmail
Ben Bleckleys last blog post..Bullied Then, Successful Now
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No. 19 — May 12th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Today’s Teacher 2.0 Podcast: “Bullied Like You”
http://media.libsyn.com/media/thecleversheep/teacher66.mp3
Rodd Luciers last blog post..Take Ownership of Your Identity
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No. 20 — May 13th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
@Rodd, Great podcast. The second entry to identify the BUS as a dangerous place for kids.
@Ben, Thanks for jumping in.
@Sarah, Rodd said something similar about simply talking to others – those one or two friends – about the experience. I had a couple of marginalized, independent friends in high school during my own experience, but don’t think I was comfortable talking to them about all this (though I’m sure they knew about it) because it was so shameful to talk about the name-calling and public humiliation, etc. Just hanging out with them was definitely good, though. (It’s not like it was a 24/7 torment anyway – maybe because these friends were there to take the mind off it.)
An interesting question I see emerging is: Is it better to bring things to a head by standing up to it early? Or can that backfire?
As I say in my podcast, when I finally did get in a fistfight in the cafeteria with a guy about my physical equal – and he started it with a sucker-punch to my jaw with no warning – that changed things for the better ever after. BUT: I got suspended, along with the instigator. IF I’d had the first thought about college applications (which, being way too distracted by the miseries, I didn’t), that suspension could have had horrible effects on my college admissions hopes.
So it’s a complicated question, isn’t it?
I like your open door policy, Sarah. It’s always good for those who need a place to feel liked, safe, and welcome.
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No. 21 — May 13th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Hi Clay,
Nice idea. One day I would like to write a book about an experience in my life. Sure, there was some bullying as a kid at high school but that was reasonably conventional. The most challenging bullying experience of my life was as an adult. Not that long ago.
An employer bullied me. I could write a volume about what happened.
I have hinted at it here and there in my blog posts and comments across the education network out there. I had been on a quite a high following some academic and professional success in the nineties. Several national and shared international awards.
Anyway, I found myself with this company… words fail me just now. Myself and other colleagues were not always paid, we were overworked, understaffed and mistreated. Working from 6 in the morning till after midnight. I started suffering severe anxiety and depression. Could not sleep, showered all hours of the night (trying to rid myself of the dread that was washing all over me), considered climbing over the railing of a 9th floor balcony, lost all of my self esteem. Began questioning my self worth and value. Negative self talk.
Collapsed on the way to work, ended up in hospital, more bullying from the boss even at that stage. Resigned. That was a better alternative considering that a severe physical and/or nervous breakdown was the other.
Sought help to get my life back. Obtained some good professional help. Went on some medication for about six months. Weaned myself off that after some research. I did a lot of reading about what had happened to me. Began the recovery process. I am still on that journey. I always will be on that journey.
I still have a few acquired mannerisms and habits I have not managed to completely eliminate. Annoys the hell out of me. My students notice it and I tell them the story. Blogging helps. Still building up the self esteem. Still getting better. Lost so much through that experience. Intangible stuff. Hard to describe. There is a deep and significant sadness within me that surfaces from time to time. Those who know me well have seen it. I still haven’t quite achieved that moment where I feel I have completely shaken it off. Part of me, a significant part of me, was ripped out of my soul and psyche and I still have not recovered all of it.
Professionally, the work at ICUS eLearning, Nanyang Technological University and the PD workshops that I give have helped me to rebuild that which is me to some extents. Some of my present colleagues and students have helped as well.
One day I will write about it in more detail. Why it happened. I know the story will save others a lot of grief. I have shared the story with the parents and students at school. That was liberating. Generated tears and smiles both on and off the stage. I do not worry about what others think, on this topic at least. It needs to get out there.
Well. Here I am commenting on your blog. How legendary is that Clay? Two teachers, miles apart, yet with so much in common. I guess you have probably now figured out why I consider Nick Cave’s album, The Boatman Calls, to be my favourite.
Your blog is part of the recovery process as well Clay. Thank you.
Cheers, John. ^_^
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No. 22 — May 13th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
John,
I don’t know why, but I think of Leonard Cohen’s
And of Aeschylus’s choral refrain from the Oresteia, our oldest complete Greek tragedy, if memory serves, which has stuck with me since my first read of it at 20, in 1982:
The Cohen and the Aeschylus combined point to something worth pointing at, in my book.
I’m so enjoying getting to know you in all the ways we’re doing that. Here’s to sharing a cold beverage at a nice outdoor table some surprising future day.
Clay
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No. 23 — May 13th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
By the way, John – I forgot to add: Please return serve with whatever verses from the Boatman’s Call that do it for you.
It’s probably my favorite too: “People Ain’t No Good” and “Into My Arms” especially come to mind.
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No. 24 — May 14th, 2008 at 6:56 am
[...] the usual maze of the Internet, I wound up at a post on the Beyond School blog in which Clay Burell proposes a new internet meme. Not many people read this blog, so I’m [...]
No. 25 — May 14th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Just a note: The trackback above to “Bullying – Two Viewpoints” has a very interesting suggestion of how bullying should be dealt with in schools. I left my thoughts in a comment there. I thought it was worth a read for its naturalistic and zoological point of view. Being mammals, after all, we shouldn’t find the zoological viewpoint that far-fetched.
Clay Burells last blog post..The Most Important Edu Website I Know: Education for Well-Being Strikes Again
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No. 26 — May 14th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Linda & Pat,
In my experience, it is more often girls than boys that are bullied, both f2f and online. Sometimes it is subtle, a variation on the social shunning that Linda experienced, sometimes it is as horrific as the beating Pat describes.
No matter the level of intensity, it is always traumatic. Some emerge stronger, as these ladies did, but others are damaged or destroyed.
You have each transformed a very negative series of events into a personal mandate for change. I honor your refusal to let bullies destroy your lives or the lives of others.
diane
dianes last blog post..She Never Existed Before: Mother’s Day 2008
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No. 27 — May 15th, 2008 at 12:08 am
I’d love to be able to share a story of ‘bullied then, fine now’ or even to use my everyday internet persona. I won’t because this isn’t about me. My daughter was bullied at school on and off from the age of 7 right through school. Mostly about her dyslexia and her weight. She was never fat or stupid and even if she had been what gave them that right? Margaret Attood’s book Cats Eyes gives a glimpse of the sort of things sweet little girls inflict on their victims. She’s in her 20s now. She had her first breakdown at 18, she’s had two periods in hospital since then. She swings between total depression, feelings of worthlessness and violent over reactions to anything that might for a moment be a threat. The damage seems irrevocable.
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No. 28 — May 15th, 2008 at 8:07 am
@a victim’s mum I am so sorry your daughter went through that.Made my heart ache to read that.
Lindas last blog post..Bullied then, successful now.
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No. 29 — May 16th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Hi Clay,
Meaningful meme. I reflected on it on my site and referred to a recent University of Toronto study of cyberbullying.
Best regards
Paul Cs last blog post..Bullied Then; Successful Now
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No. 30 — May 17th, 2008 at 1:47 am
[...] School uses the digital story method in an effective way to deal with bullying in school. His post “Meaningful Meme: Your “Bullied Then, Successful Now Stories” provides his own story of being bullied in high school. Posted by Mike Frerichs at 6:01 AM [...]
No. 31 — May 17th, 2008 at 6:45 am
[...] stanislaus is beaten by his brother” by antmooseClay Burell has once again challenged bloggers to think, respond, and make a difference.In “A Meaningful Meme: [...]
No. 32 — May 17th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
[...] days back Clay Burell began a meme, Bullying then, Successful Now. I responded with a comment on Clay’s blog. I recounted an experience that still impacts upon [...]
No. 33 — May 17th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Clay, thank you for the response. You were spot on with the reference to “People Ain’t No Good” and “Into My Arms” by Nick Cave. Aeschylus’ words ring true as well.
One thing the whole experience taught me was that life is a lot more important than work. I often make reference to slowing down, relaxing and taking it easy in my comments elsewhere and in my blog. I see other bloggers out there who I feel are working way too hard.
I remember the morning I rang some one for help back then. I introduced myself and simply said, “I have had a traumatic experience”. That was exactly what I felt.
I have posted the Nick Cave lyrics on my own blog here.
http://blog.larkin.net.au/2008/05/17/bullying-then/
Did not want to crowd out the comments on this page.
Cheers, John.
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No. 34 — July 11th, 2008 at 12:35 am
[...] of parents thought their child would tell them about bullying but only 8% who were bullied didClay Burell in Beyond School reflects on the two years of bullying he received in high school. He created a 30 minute podcast [...]