My Suicidal High School Years: A Happy-Ending Bullying Story

“the bully” by O Pish Posh on Flickr CC

Scroll to bottom to listen to the podcast.

[Update 3 August 2008: If you want a written version of the same story, I did my best here.]

[Update 2: I've copied Stephen Downes' comments about this post, and my own response to them, in the comments, if anybody is interested.]

[Update: I've added the podcast to my Teaching Gallery page, in case you come across a student who might benefit by listening in the future.]

~  ~  ~

I was bullied for two years in high school. Every day.

I told the story to my grade 9 class last year – there was some stuff going on in the hallways that made me hope it might help – and recorded it as I told them.

And I thought, in the spirit of this season of good will, that I would share that story here. Here’s the enhanced podcast for download, with chapters for quick navigation.

But if you want to listen without downloading first, see the bottom of this post.

Most of the bullying content we see online tries to make bullying stop. It’s a nice goal. But this story does things differently.

It’s to the bullied.

It tells them that, for me, over 700 consecutive days of bullying in high school was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It just took me a couple decades to realize that. This does not mean those two decades were bad.

The audio quality is bad. Sorry about that. But I think you can hear it anyway.

It’s about 30 minutes long. My students still talk about it, a year later. And I’ve shared it with a few new acquaintances of mine recently – you may be reading some of them – and one of them said it was “as worth sharing as all the other drivel you read on edublogs out there.” (I loved that. And relax – it was a joke.)

It is a story. I tried to tell it well. And there are more than a few laughs along the way.

Call it my “Christmas Carol.” And tuck it away somewhere for that possibly tortured, possibly suicidal student we worry about here and there as teachers, as community leaders, as human beings. It’s really for them, again.

Here it is. Enjoy:

Photo credit: “the bully” by O Pish Posh

49 thoughts on “My Suicidal High School Years: A Happy-Ending Bullying Story”

  1. diane

    Clay,

    I hope I never fail any of the students I come in contact with the way that your teachers failed you.

    Yes, you emerged from the experience a stronger person, but at what cost?

    And how many weaker students are negatively affected for a lifetime because of similar experiences with which they’re unequipped to cope?

    Sobering story which is not, I’m afraid, unique.

    It would be nice to think that the bullies you encountered either reformed or met some dire and fitting end. But they’re probably still creating misery in the world.

    The fact that you can share this experience demonstrates your power as an individual.

    Have the good life you deserve, my friend.

    diane

    diane

  2. Clay Burell Post author

    I really wouldn’t change a day of my life, Diane. Whatever cost was incurred was totally worth it.

    And maybe some might be “negatively affected for a lifetime” – but who’s to ever know? Sometimes lessons may take decades to learn?

  3. Patrick

    Clay,

    I woke up extraordinarily early today and sat down at my machine, fired up my Reader and noticed the familiar “1″ next to Beyond School.

    This was anything but familiar, but so very welcomed. In light of the recent spate of these type tales making national and international media, and in thinking about how to make a positive impact on how people become digital citizens, this story becomes a resource.

    Thanks for sharing this one with the world at large; I hope your students realize how your path, although far from the norm, and far from over, has shaped who you have become.

    Have a great holiday.

  4. Kelly Christopherson

    Clay, there are many of us who were bullied during our teen years. Like you, I spent most of my youth enduring the torments of those who thought it was great fun to make my life miserable. Many years later, I too look at it as being the base for what helped me achieve and do what I do. Eradicating bullying would be wonderful but, like you, I know that will not happen. Instead, I try to give students the necessary skills to deal with what is going on and help them through this time. I also work with those who bully, trying to help them see what they are doing to others. Because there is so much outside of school that affects youth, anything that will help them to discover the good in themselves is a service that we need to give them.
    Today, I realize it wasn’t the fault of the teachers, the parents or, really, even the bullies. I’ve learned that I am responsible for myself in all ways. It has helped me to deal with life without blaming others and pointing fingers at circumstances. It doesn’t bring about solutions. It also helps me to deal with the incredible situations that come across my administrative desk, making me see each as a situation of human interaction instead of a problem that needs to be solved. Like you, I wouldn’t change a day in my life. I like whom I’ve become!

  5. Clay Burell

    Stephen Downes wrote what I consider a surprisingly off-the-mark characterization of both my message and my intent, so I paste it here below, and then my reply afterwards. Stephen writes:

    “I was bullied for two years in high school. Every day,” writes Clay Burrell [sic]. “But this story does things differently. It’s to the bullied. It tells them that, for me, over 700 consecutive days of bullying in high school was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It just took me a couple decades to realize that.” I’m glad Burrell [sic] got past being bullied. I’m happy for him. But his perspective is simply wrong. Being bullied is not a good thing. It’s not something students should simply have to tolerate. It’s not – as Rick Mercer says in his video – enough to say that high school is the worst their lives will get. Because, for people who are bullied, it might not be – it might just be the kick-off to years of fears, depression and anxiety. I’m really glad things worked out for Burrell [sic]. But he must not fall into the fallacy of thinking that every bullied student can just pull himself up by his bootstraps.

    My reply:

    Stephen, you mis-represent my argument here by a surprisingly wide mark.

    I don’t, as you imply, argue against the attempts by others to address the bullies. Nor, if you listen to the actual story, will you hear me advise that it’s something the bullied must “learn to tolerate.”

    Nor do I commit the fallacy of saying “every” bullied student can do anything.

    I told a story of my own experience. Call it a worst-case scenario story: school did nothing, teachers did nothing, students did nothing to stop it (maybe this is actually, in the real world, a typical scenario, actually?). But the experience was a wind onto a sea this ship might not otherwise have sailed.

    Granted, “the best thing” as written above, on reflection, invites the arched eyebrow. At the same time, though, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

    I could have very easily ended up the popular football player in high school and college, and walked the road most traveled by.

    I truly am thankful that did not happen.

    Like war, bullying is an emotional subject for even the most logical types, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by your reaction; but like war also, simply demanding that bullying must stop does little for the victims of it living and breathing as I type.

    Something tells me they’d get more hope from a simple “I’ve been there, and it was hard, but things turned out all right” than from a million “End Bullying” public service announcements.

    The nice thing is, though, we care enough about this issue to disagree about it. And that I have no problems with.

    Hope you’re well, Stephen.

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  11. jack

    Clay,
    I googled bullying stories because I wanted something to help me through troubles that I am currently facing in ninth grade. “Stop bullying!” sites really didn’t help me. This was just the kind of story I was looking for. I get called names feverishly because I didn’t make the best impression first semester. I try not to care what other people think of me but it feels like I am always watching my back.

    Anyways, this story was very interesting indeed. Thanks a lot for sharing. It helped substantially.

  12. Clay Burell Post author

    Jack,

    I’m glad it helped and I thank you for taking the time to let me know that.

    If you can download Skype (free internet telephone), I’d love to interview you for a podcast and see what comes during the conversation. Your articulate comment makes me suspect you might be a powerful voice in helping others. You can click “email me” in my sidebar if this idea interests you. We can keep you anonymous if you want it that way.

    Much respect,

    Clay

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  17. Steve

    Hi,
    I am searching the internet for articals like this. I really feel this could help people visting my site. If you would allow me to publish it on my site. I will not take any credit for the writing. I would be quit happy to add you to my links page. Please get bk to me on the following email.

    Thanks alot

    The mybestm8.com Team

  18. Jenna

    Clay,
    I have many sympathies with your story, and experienced the same seeming-apathy from teachers and peers alike. Coming up to three years after the bullying stopped, I am of the same view. That, ultimately it helped me become more of an individual, and equally, a stronger person. In my case, the ways of coping that I learnt from the near-constant, five-year stretch of bullying, in turn gave me ways to cope with the death of my father when I was sixteen, and my mothers subsequent breakdown. The reaction of the bullies, -who repeatedly told me to kill myself two months after my fathers death- when I asked them to leave off, was to accuse me of being an attention seeker. Despite the fact that I am unable to forgive them, I can still aknowledge the ways in which the bullying helped me to become, not neccessarily a better person, but certainly a more individual one.

    1. Clay Burell Post author

      Jenna, your comment slipped past me until I read it just now. Crushing experience, but it sounds like you found the alchemy in it all.

      And “forgive and forget” is easier said than done. What rube came up with that one?

  19. mike

    I wish I had you as a teacher in high school.
    Just reading this blog makes me want to become a teacher. Simply the hypothetical experience of having you as a teacher inspires me.
    Thanks for going into education, even if it was for a brief moment.

    (i just stumbled on your blog a couple minutes ago)

    1. Clay Burell Post author

      Thanks Mike. Right now I prefer being an ex-teacher, but maybe I just need a sabbatical. It was definitely an interesting experience.

  20. Ankur Bhanderi

    Hi, Clay, and everyone else here. I recently stumbled across your blog, much as Mike did. This was, oh, maybe a month ago. I’m trying to stay relevant to this post so, to compress paragraphs of praise into one statement, you inspire me.

    I’m in college right now but had a somewhat similar experience in high school. I grew up in New Jersey(who’s to say I’ll ever finish growing up, anyway?) and go to school in Illinois, at the moment. I played football for one year in middle school. I was never a particularly good athlete. I was just big. I stood up out of my defensive stance, pushed the other kid over, and then stood there wondering what I was supposed to do next.

    I went to a magnet high school after eighth grade, and am still happy for it, despite the difficulty of making new friends. I played football in my sophomore and junior years and played the same position, though I was no longer big. I don’t think the bullying I experienced during football ever approached what you faced, but my friends had also changed.

    I don’t know what happened. Maybe they felt I had betrayed my crowd by playing a sport, or maybe they just stopped liking me over the summer, during which I rarely saw anyone due to distance and my parents. I don’t think anyone wants to hear me share my story, but the short story would be as follows: I was severely depressed until just before my senior year began, which was about when I found out who I could trust as friends. That year was the best of my life.

    I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I just want to share my thoughts and history with people who might care but won’t try to force their personal remedies upon me. Anyway, my grades slipped throughout high school. In my senior year, they were actually good. Most people do well at that point because, having been accepted into college, they take easy classes. I think due to this very same reason, I took harder classes that interested me, and tried my best. It just seemed right to expend the effort when it didn’t really matter.

    I feel like it’s similar to how your grades jumped up in college. I’m finding, however, that college is not entirely the same. My first semester was awful: I hated my classes and that I lacked the social skills needed to make new friends and that the friends that took four years to make were far away. And my grades suffered for it. I ended the semester with a 2.76 GPA. That was a tad harmful to my transfer applications. The next semester, I decided to just take classes that interested me and, again, my grades reflected my interest in what I was learning. I pulled my cumulative GPA up to a 3.32 by earning a 3.81 in that semester. In my current semester(which is third, overall), I decided that taking required classes would be wise but that must not be the case because I know my GPA will be as low as the first. I’m hoping to at least use my good GPA to transfer and get an internship at a company I respect more than any other. Hopefully, I can get everything finalized before this semester’s GPA is posted.

    Hm. I’m sorry, I seem to just be rambling. I think I should just condense what I’ve been saying and what I’m gradually getting to.. High school sucked for me too, and I’m glad to find that you, who inspired me so much before I even read this post, seemed to have had a very similar experience. I also think that I benefited from being bullied, to some extent.

    I simply can’t force myself to care about or do well in a class that I don’t like. I just want to learn what I like. And I just want to have more free time to learn new things online and think about things(I hope you find some small sense of satisfaction in the fact that your blog has been my main target in recent weeks). Do you have any tips for surviving college? Just.. How can I motivate myself to do well in classes I don’t like? Grades haven’t mattered too much to me for a long time. I still study for exams and try to at least pass, but.. I’m not doing much more. I realize the benefit of doing well in school, and it would make my parents a lot more agreeable. I imagine you, at some point, had to take a class that just did not interest you in the least. What did you do, Clay? If I haven’t already done so, I apologize for using this comment to whine and ask for advice.

    I have a friend who recently started teaching high school math in New York. He was quickly shafted by budget cuts and arbitrary rules. I showed him your blog and the first entry he read had left him thinking for days.. We both want to be great teachers, like you are. He’s already trying as best he can, against every obstacle the school system places in his path. I have no idea when or where, but I want to teach at some point. I want students to realize how amazing it is to learn and to be curious. I feel like I can make that happen, even if on the tiniest of scales.

    /sigh. Thanks for reading this. G’night.

    1. Clay Burell Post author

      Hi Ankur,

      Thanks for the kind words, but let me assure you I was no “great teacher” for surely the majority of my students (and if I was, they sure didn’t tell me often). That’s why I like “teaching” here. Those who want to read and think and disagree and play along can, while those who don’t don’t have to. If only schools were like that.

      Your football story cracked me up, by the way ;-) . I just talked to an old, old friend today for the first time in 10 years or so, and we enjoyed laughing about things that were painful a decade ago. I hope you find middle age equally jolly, which is a stupid but right word to define the middle age attitude toward so much ancient life history that was so seriously painful in the college years.

      I don’t know what to tell you about the difficulty studying for the college classes that don’t interest you, other than that I had the same problem my freshman year. It all worked out, gpa wise.

      But you made me think, with your comment about wanting only to take classes that interest you, of two things: One, Joseph Campbell’s credo to “Follow your bliss,” which you seem to understand at some level; and two, that NOW I wish I could take the science and math classes that didn’t interest me back in college, because NOW I’m fascinated by those and pretty much all fields of study. There’s got to be an angle from which to see them all as interesting, since different people devote their lives and passions to each of them. The problem, though, is that textbooks and many teachers fail to bring them to life.

      So I’m sure this didn’t help at all, but again, developing and nurturing a passion for whatever subjects do turn you on is a way to keep the brain from rotting, and the world from losing its color, as you grow old. You’re luckier than many simply because you DO seem to be turned on by some things.

      Thanks again for bothering to tell me I’m not writing to the wind. It helps :)

      1. Ankur Bhanderi

        I know what you mean about wishing you took those classes. I wish I had continued taking Spanish, and probably will do so next semester. I also want to learn sign language. I learned to fingerspell online but anything else would probably require a class. I am, in fact, interested in some aspects of science; I suppose math also has some nice points, but definitely not what I’m learning right now. I like cosmology and astrophysics, but I don’t think I quite have the right mind for the math involved in it. I just like thinking about those grand, nearly philosophical questions about the universe and the “landscape” and such. Unfortunately, I have to take a lot of uninteresting physics courses before I can get to that material.

        I think I will also, in the future, come to like the classes I hate now. But I think that’s just a matter of growing intellectually and developing a more open mind, or something like that. I suppose I’ll just have to survive them for now and, eventually, I’ll like it and will expend the effort to learn it on my own.

        From your story, I seem to have quite a bit in common with your younger self. I find that a comforting thought.

  21. Aaron

    Hi Clay,
    I found this while searching Google for bullying advice. I’m a freshman in high school right now, and am being bullied. I go to school in PA. I’m a really good student, and I don’t play any sports. I play the saxophone in the band. I hope nobody minds me telling this story, but it’s relevant to your post.

    You might think the kid who is bullying me is not in the band, but he is. He was in marching band and I was not even though most of the kids in the music program are. So, he went to band camp with them for 2 weeks before school and got to know them. Now, I used to be friends with this kid but we’ve since had a falling out, as you can imagine. Now this kid thought it would be funny to tell the kids in marching band embarrassing and untrue things about me.

    So now it’s almost the end of the year, and every single day at lunch this kid has told his friends in band, the sophmores and juniors, so much stuff about me that is untrue or else embarrassing, that they think I’m this creepy kid. But I’m not. But they don’t know that, because they don’t know me. Basically this one kid has ruined my reputation with these kids, these kids who I never had the chance to know but who think things about me that are not true.

    Your post was very helpful for me though. I would hope that this bullying, these lies and rumors, doesn’t continue as long as it did for you. All I want is for these kids whose ideas of me have been shaped by the lies of one kid to accept me. However, if you can come out of it alive, then I know that I can as well.

    1. Clay Burell Post author

      Hi Aaron,

      I’m glad the post was helpful, and I’ll only add that I didn’t just come out of it alive – I came out of it kicking.

      It definitely sent me on a path less traveled by, but I wouldn’t have it any other way now.

      Reading your story brings these two reactions to mind, above all:

      1) I hope to god you don’t quit band because of this (if you don’t enjoy the sax and want to quit for that reason, that’s a different story – and by the way, I did quit tenor sax in 9th grade because it conflicted with baseball, and I kick myself for it now, especially when I listen to such jazz sax greats as Lester Young and Coleman Hawkins. If you don’t know them, reply and I’ll email you a gift. They beat the hell out of the goofy Sousa marches we played in band).

      2) You say you want all of the kids influenced by the lies to accept you. It would be nice if they did, and maybe they will. But maybe they won’t, too. And if that’s the case, this might be an opportunity for you to make friends who are strong and individual enough not to follow the crowd – or not even to be in it – and develop those friendships while trying not to let the others get to you. The “country boys” I hung out with while outcast weren’t the “in” group by a long shot, but they ended up being a good, interesting bunch. One of them is still a closest friend all these decades later.

      But the guy who’s spreading the lies – you say he used to be your friend. Have you talked to him? Something I’ve learned professionally, when having conflicts with co-workers or subordinates, is that inviting the person to take a walk outside, and sitting down on the curb and calmly talking things out, usually works. Of course, I’m talking about (relatively) mature adults, not (probably) immature teens.

      Anyway, thanks for acknowledging the read. I shared this precisely for people like you. (And if you haven’t read Of Jocks and Fags, it might interest you too.)

      Don’t hesitate to take me up on that music offer. Hell, instead of spending time fretting over teen jerks, you might try playing along to some of the greatest jazz ax-men in history. I wish I had. Then I could be jamming with others every weekend.

      1. Aaron

        You’re probably right that I shouldn’t fret over teen jerks. I guess I’ve accepted things as they are and learned to deal with it. Luckily I have found friends who don’t go with the group. Ironically one of my best friends has an older brother who is best friends with the kid whose bullying me. I also know that those kids aren’t all bad people, just listening to a bad person I guess, and that if I ever do get to know them they might turn out to be good friends. I’m sure not ALL of them listen to, or at least believe him.

        I’d love to take you up on that music offer by the way. It’s always nice to meet a fellow sax (or former sax) player.

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  26. anonymous

    This was an amazing thing to hear and I am so glad that you put this audio onto the internet for people to listen to. I go to a school where teachers do not seem to care about bullies and it angers me but it is also interesting that the main 4 bullies in my grade are fine when they are on their own but when they get into a group they are complete idiots.

  27. kitti

    The story of your life in highschool is intense. I’m in highschool…i’m a bully. I’m in with a group of girls who are extremly involved but also really mean. We’ve managed to make three girls cry just this year and its not even half over. We push girls and throw their things on the floor as well as throwing trash at them and yelling things at them. Its ridiculous. I want help on ways to get out of this habbit. My friends and i aren’t bad people, we’re just mean…any advice?

    1. Clay Burell Post author

      Very late, Kitti, but sure, advice? Figure yourself out. (I’d say more, but the comment is so strange I figure it’s a joke.)

    2. Turnin3

      kitti..if you want to change then change….be the hero and stand up to the other girls…you are worse than a bully if you know what you are doing and yet still choose to do it.,,that must mean you have a bad home life, lots of shouting or bad attitudes, no support..you should stop now, be strong and the next girl yall choose to pick on, say ‘enough” and give that girl a helping hand, ask her name…you guys may have a lot in common…be strong and change your ways…get out of the cycle..be your own person

  28. rachelle

    this is to kitti. if that is true what you wrote….. what you need to do is have a heart. you need to stop bulling immediately and apologize to those you have tormented. i have been bullied horribly, lifelong, because of how i look / how i act. even down to the “little things” that bullies to do people like me…..it torments the victims spirit. i dont know how to describe how it feels inside, because someone threw paper in my hair or announced that i was so ugly or pretended to ask me out in the lunch room, or screamed at me in the hallway, or stared…….no, only people that are bullied and tormented by others know the feeling. its something like…i wish i were dead, i am just not good enough, i wish i were dead. and then they would stop hurting me. i came to believe in God and in the Bible. i know, there is judgement coming. i know that people who dont repent (turn from) evil things like bullying and ask God’s forgiveness will be among those spending their eternity in hell. this is how serious that is. you must put yourself in the victims shoes. you must know that God is watching and He will not tolerate this kind of evil being done to me and countless other victims. God will forgive you if you will repent and ask His forgiveness.

  29. Sylvia

    Hello

    Well i’m studying an e-Learning course at university and it lead me to you blog. Some of the things you talk about hit so close to home. I was picked on at school (but found good friends eventually) and I had a difficult home life. So really life was just hard.

    But it is good now; I am not living with my parents and am studying to be a teacher (hopefully a good one). It all worked out right and if I didn’t have both those hardships, then I wouldn’t be me. I’ve been to Japan, and i’m the first to go to uni in my family. I’m stronger and more at home with myself then I ever have been before.

    I think this story will help many people. I even liked how you were teaching the students not just that it will be ok after school- but stand up for others, different generations have different stories, how to give a speech and more.

    I have a lot to learn about teaching and I think your blog would be a wonderful source of experiences and ideas.

    Thank you

  30. Jim

    I was bullied in HS (9 yrs ago) and remain a somewhat bitter, distrustful person. If I could do it again, I’d go down fighting.

  31. Jennifer Darcy

    We recently found out that our 17 year old son has been bullied, both physically and verbally, by his teammates for 2 years. He used to be an Honors student but we had to take him out of high school because he was failing all of his classes. He never told us because he was embarrassed. Our family is devastated. I am not able to watch the podcast. How can I access it?

    1. Clay Burell Post author

      Hi J,

      Sounds familiar! The point of this whole podcast is that there’s life after high school, so I hope it helps.

      Rightclick “enhanced podcast” link in the post, then click “save as…” on the popup menu to download to your computer.

      Or install Quicktime (free, google it) and listen to it in the player in the post.

      Let me know if you need anything else and good luck. High school is so high school.

  32. Marla

    I was bullied some of the time in high school. Mostly because I was different from my classmates. I have some sort of learning disability that doesn’t allow me to develop quick relationships. I was also socially awkward with other people around, shy and withdrawn. While I was bullied, I would have violent fits and people would laugh at me for that. I started having depression and had suicidal thoughts. I felt like I just wanted to die. Even if I wanted a best friend, it doesn’t allow me to develop close relationships. Your story is similar to mine.

    1. Clay Burell Post author

      Hi Maria,

      Thanks for the comment. I have to say that with the right people, friendship has always been easy for me. I like to share. It’s finding those “right people” that’s the tough part. But they’re out there.

      Better still, for some reason — maybe age, maybe reading the right thinkers and creators, maybe thinking and creating myself — I’m ridiculously fulfilled, with or without friends, and have been since about 40. The years before that weren’t bad – many of them were fine – but they also tended to be on soft ground, with great peaks but the occasional ugly valley. Now, knock wood, and for the last many years, fulfillment is just a normal state. Not happiness, mind you — which is an unrealistically silly expectation sold to us by advertisers that we’re better off not buying — but fulfillment.

      And I chalk that fulfillment up to a life, again, of reading, writing, playing, teaching.

      Which was the point of the podcast and, more clearly, of the Jocks and Fags written piece. Life is good, even if it’s hard sometimes.

      And now I sound like a bad parody of Dear Abby, so I’d best shut up :)

  39. jimmy gupta

    That is very sad thing, I am really feeling sorry for you. High schools are offered to the teenagers to study well and make their future career. But these things when occurred it totally ruined the life of students. The teachers should take care of their students so that they do not feel lonely. 
    http://www.highschoolsprograms.com/

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